Hey everyone! Dan and I have some exciting news to share with you! Over the past several months, we have been on a special journey as we've seen God lead us down the path to surrogate motherhood. We are really happy to say that we have been matched with a family and that I will be a surrogate mother for them within the next month!
This may come as big [read: surprising] news to some of you, so I wanted to give some history and explain what has transpired in the last several months that has brought us to this point!
There is a condensed version I could share with you, but we want to share with you the whole [really cool] picture. My [our] desire with this making this decision is two-fold: we hope to help a family pursue a nearly-lost hope, and we hope that God is going be glorified through this entire process! We want the world that we have daily contact with to hear this story and to see God in it and to say, “God, you are a good Father.” In that light, I’m going to give you the unabridged story so that you can intimately walk this journey with us and see Him in it!
Your first thoughts are probably along the lines of, So where did this come from? What brought you to this place? Why do you want to do this? And those are perfect starting questions!
If we know each other even a little bit, you can probably make some accurate guesses at what my life’s passions are: my Savior, meaningful relationships, and my home & family.
>My greatest and most fulfilling purpose is found in Jesus: he loves me unmeasurably, he gives me daily hope, he makes my world make sense & gives me unexplainable peace, and as a result I live daily to share about the source of those rich gifts with the people I encounter.
>I count myself extremely rich to be able to claim more than a few relationships that have been built through good conversation, learning & growing together, and sharing memorable experiences. I am nourished by them, I am sharpened by them, and I delight in pouring myself into them. Friends and mentors from all over the country and from very different parts of my life contribute to that list of relationships, as do my siblings and my family members and [most of all] my husband.
>I was asked in the tenth grade what I wanted to study in college and what I wanted to do as an adult. At that point, I hadn’t figured out a specific direction for myself post-graduation, and it troubled me that I didn’t want a career in a career-driven world when that seemed to be the obvious direction all my peers were headed. My guidance counselors at school seemed to give me a five-item list of careers. Doctor? Teacher? Businesswoman? Secretary? Marine Corps? I vividly remember a spring morning between Sunday school and church service, when I pulled aside my pastor’s wife, who I had desperately [thankfully] latched onto as my mentor throughout high school. Frustrated, I half-yelled, “Is it okay to just want to be a wife and a mom?!” I can’t recall what her full response was, except that she had said, “Well, somebody had to be Billy Graham’s mom.” In that ah-ha moment, I became assured that being a wife and a mom was exactly what I wanted to do, that I could find deep fulfillment and not shame for “just” being a wife and mom, and that God is glorified in whatever we decide to commit to him, career or no career.
Fast forward from that ah-ha moment through the next sixteen years. I grew up as a pastor’s kid with a deeply-rooted understanding of God as my heavenly Father. My dad started the Right To Life chapter in our hometown. My passion grew for the defense of the defenseless unborn child, as did my desire to work at a Crisis Pregnancy Center that gave moms guidance, advice, and alternative options to abortion. I became a World Vision sponsor for a war-torn child. I ended up going to school to study Psychology and Counseling, and I continued on to complete a Master’s in Human Services: Health and Wellness. I visited orphanages in the Dominican Republic and Mexico. I met Dan and married, becoming a wife and loving every aspect of marriage and tending the home and exploring together. Three years later, we miscarried a baby and knew the intense pain of losing a child – and grieving deeply over that teeny tiny child. Multiple friends and family members in our life also lost babies. We journeyed together through several months of emotional struggle as we tried to get pregnant again. Nearly a year after losing our first baby, we finally became pregnant again and experienced the joy of meeting our son nine months later. During his first few months, as I held him safe and sleeping in my arms, I watched on the news as victimized refugee children were pulled from the sea, and I watched heart-wrenching footage of the terrified children of Aleppo. Dan and I began to talk about future adoption plans for older children in the system, the young adults who age out of the system and enter the world on their own with no family and no intimate support. I am part of a big family of 4 other biological siblings, and have watched my parents become grandparents to 6 grandchildren while also becoming new parents all over again to a trio of young siblings through in-state adoption. I have been hesitant about their decision while also overpoweringly inspired by their choice to give love and give energy and give hope to my three new baggage-laden world-wounded siblings.
And now pause the tape, press play. Almost exactly a year after William entered our world, Dan is in the third year of his intense PhD program, and I am fully enjoying working [very] part-time from home and raising Will. We began to plan the next couple years: two more years of this PhD and then a two-year post-doc? study and work in Austria or Switzerland for a semester? go to Los Alamos again for a short stint? With all of these plans up in the air, and with a second baby being unlikely for at least two more years until Dan is nearer to the completion of his PhD, I looked at this gap and started thinking about what I was going to be doing during that time.
Surrogacy must have been a God-placed thought. I mean, I had always heard of surrogacy and marveled at what an incredible part a surrogate gets to play in a family’s life. But I never thought that I would have a chance for it to be a reality in my own life. Because… well, when? I had a tidy little timeline of my own that didn’t accounted for anything else: a happy rowdy house full of children, at least three boys who looked like their dad and two girls who adored him, and all of them two years apart max. [Ha.]
In September last year during a visit to North Carolina for a friend’s wedding and to visit with my family, I sat on a couch strewn with baby socks and toys while Will crawled on the floor trying to keep up with the happy ruckus his cousins were causing. My oldest sister and my two sisters-in-law were sitting adjacent, all of us holding either a coffee cup, a kid’s sippee cup, or a nursing babe. The Levinsons talk fast and loud, and we were gabbing it up to make up for time lost from living a thousand miles apart. I was in my happy place. [Relationships and family, remember?!] It must have been then, in the briefly discussed topic of surrogacy [before it got interrupted by screaming kids], that a little thought wiggled into my head.
It didn’t resurface again until I was home again in New Hampshire. And when it resurfaced and I began mulling it over, I realized that the timing of our next few years would be the perfect time to be a surrogate mother for another family!
So…
Hey, Google.
I began to search for agencies. How in the world would I find one that I could trust? Surrogacy can be so sketchy, and people get themselves into really awful situations. So many legal battles have been fought because of surrogacies gone bad.
After a lot of research and digging around, I honed in on an agency that seemed promising. At this point, this pipe dream was still just a whim. I’ll just apply for the preliminary screening… I like filling out questionnaires anyway… This is just for fun…
Two days later, I had a brief phone interview with a case coordinator where we reviewed the information I had submitted. Huh. This could be feasible. This could be real. Hey Dan, what do you think of this…
The three of us traveled to Virginia in October for a whirlwind, two-day, loud n’ crazy, nineteen-person Levinson family vacation. In our rental car’s passenger seat, I turn to Dan and stare at him for a good long while, trying to formulate a coherent non-whacko sounding sentence. Dan is growing visibly uncomfortable and giving me a raised eyebrow. Whaaatcha thinkin?
I give up and blurt out, “Can I do this? Can I be a surrogate mother? I’m not going to pursue this any further without your full 120% support.”
“I don’t know, Em.” He frowns, thinking. And then, “We’d be giving up a lot. Nine months. Our summer. The strain on your body of another pregnancy that’s not even for your own kid… Why do it?”
I paused. “Remember back to when we lost Ava. And how the months following that loss – trying to get pregnant again – were so hard emotionally, hopes dashed month after month. And remember back to when you held a warm, screaming, pink, very-much-alive baby. Your son. We would be giving that same amazing gift to a family, enabling what they have hoped for for so long.”
Understanding spreads across Dan’s face. Ahhhhh. “I didn’t think about it that way.” He hmmmms, and I say, Think about it for a while. I assume that he’ll forget and that I’ll have to bring it up again in a week.
The next day, Dan finds me upstairs and abruptly says. “Let’s do this.”
I’m in the middle of dressing Will. “Do what?”
Confidently, “I’ve been thinking. Let’s pursue this surrogacy thing. If it’s something you want to do, I am totally on board with blessing a family like this.”
I turn around quickly. “Woa, really? Really. That was quick. You sure?” He smiles sideways and nods.
When we returned home a few days later, I filled out the extensive application and sent it to the director, who then scheduled a second in-depth interview with both me and Dan. While we waited for the interview’s date to come around, I began looking at every aspect I could think to read about concerning surrogacy. There are definitely horror stories, mainly from people who unwisely didn’t use an agency and legal representation. I discovered that there are valid concerns for both the intended parents and the surrogate mother to safeguard against during the process. We were concerned about what the Bible and medical ethics had to say about it. We found that the Bible does not have a direct answer, but that it comes down to wisdom and our understanding of God’s own heart. Interestingly, the medical ethics for something of this nature are not as written about as other topics because it is so recent a scientific capability, so there are only a handful of theological scholars who have delved into the topic. We discovered that surrogacy is actually a pretty charged subject for some of the Christian community; but Dan also noted that people seem to know very little about surrogacy yet somehow have an immediate opinion on it.
So all the while we were walking in the direction of surrogate motherhood, we were also digging and learning and gleaning as much as we could from as many sources as we could. We wanted people to speak truth into our lives, to ask questions that maybe we hadn’t considered, and to give us a reality check if we needed it. We didn’t want to do this blindly or with the wrong motives or walk into something harmful and regretful. In addition to sharing with our families and asking for their wisdom and support, we also reached out to close friends and to our church leadership.
We came to a point where we had clear consciences and a very positive feeling about continuing. But when we were confronted with an aspect that we couldn’t ignore, everything seemed to tunnel-neck pretty extremely. For a few minutes, I became pretty disappointed because I knew the reality of being matched with someone was now going to be pretty small.
But as I thought about it, I realized that any outcome would be fine. I was pursuing this while wholly trusting God to orchestrate it. If we found a couple who would match with us, then great! And if not – hey, that’s great too! Either way, we’d be confident that what we are doing was in line with his direction, with his opening or closing of doors! Keep a quiet heart.
To our amazement, it was only a couple days later that a door was opened for us to confidently continue with surrogacy. The agency director called to let us know that there was a couple she had in mind for us, and we were so excited to hear more about them and realize that they would be perfect! [There is so much more to that piece of the story, and I would love to fill you in on those later!]
Just before Christmas, we met the couple via Skype along with the director to get to know them and heard more of their story. This first meeting was to feel each other out. Because of the special type of relationship that a surrogacy can create, it’s important for both parties to feel very comfortable with each other. A lot of Surrogate/Intended Parent relationships end in life-long friendships when they are in good situations and not the horror-story type, although that’s completely determined by the preferences that both parties state from the beginning to establish healthy expectations and boundaries. At the very least, both of us wanted to be comfortable with each other and have a good relationship during the pregnancy and delivery.
Henry and Rachel (not their real names) are incredibly sweet people, and they are also believers! It makes it especially sweet to us to be helping people who are family in Christ! I think we are all seeing our spiritual adoption through Christ in a very new way. Rachel is a physician and Henry owns his own business. They married 4 years ago at 44 and 48 years old. They began trying to have children through IVF, but lost their three babies early on. They then adopted an embryo from an embryo adoption agency, and she carried the baby for five months before losing their sweet baby boy. She was very ill afterwards and was told that for the sake of her life, she should not try pregnancy again. That’s when they decided to look for a surrogate to carry another embryo that they had adopted. The adoption of frozen embryos is another piece of this journey that I am incredibly honored to be a part of!
Without getting too detailed, here is some scientific nitty-gritty to explain how a typical surrogacy works!
A surrogate mother can be one of two types: traditional or gestational.
Traditional surrogacy (not what I’m doing) is when the surrogate mother is both the egg donor and the surrogate to the baby through IUI (intrauterine insemination).
Gestational surrogacy (what I’m doing) is when the surrogate mother has a pre-conceived embryo (father’s sperm and mother’s egg, resulting two-week old gestated embryo) transferred and implanted to her uterus.
Most couples who are at the point of looking for a surrogate have unsuccessfully tried for years to get pregnant, have miscarried multiple babies, and/or have done years of failed IVF (invitro fertilization) with embryos they have created with the help of an embryologist at a fertility clinic. When they come to a surrogate, they are pretty heartbroken and hoping that this final option will help them have the biological family they have long hoped for.
When a couple pursues IVF as an option, they generally create multiple embryos so that successive pregnancy attempts can be made if they miscarry the first, or second, or third, etc. And when they come to a surrogate, they will usually be transferring one of those IVF-intended embryos or creating several more for just-in-case scenarios if the surrogate happens to miscarry.
For a lot of couples, they will try to find a surrogate who is willing to carry twins or sometimes even triplets, because this is their one chance to build a family. Some couples, too, will do genetic testing on the embryos and get rid of the ones that have tested to have chromosomal abnormalities and/or low likelihood of survival in the womb. The couple also has the option, if the surrogate is also in agreement, of selective reduction or complete termination during the pregnancy. An example of selective reduction would be if one baby is putting its twin at risk. They would eliminate (reduce) the number of babies to give the other baby a higher chance of living. Termination refers to the termination of the baby’s life "if it showed to have a disability or abnormality, if it is putting the surrogate’s life at risk, etc.
Dan and I are pro-life, regardless of the situation and of the quality of the life that testing would reveal the baby to have. We stated as much in our application, and the great thing about our agency is that they will only match surrogates with a couple who has the exact same preferences. We stated that I would be willing to carry only a singleton, but that if the embryo split into twins that I would happily carry both babies, as selective reduction/termination was not an option.
Because of the scientific advances that have been made recently, embryos can be tested for viability likelihood and will be chosen for implantation over the others. IVF resulting in pregnancy on the first embryo transfer attempt has become more successful over the years as a result. But the creation of multiple embryos is still common practice, and it results in the overproduction of embryos. I believe that life starts at the creation of unique DNA, sperm and egg. I know that many people will disagree, but that is my own firm conviction. The excess embryos usually have less-than-ideal futures: they are frozen and saved for possible later attempts at IVF or surrogacy, they are destroyed, they are given over to science for research, or they are frozen and given to agencies to be adopted out, although the number of embryo adoptions is far outnumbered by the millions of frozen embryos, most of which will remain frozen in time forever. World Magazine has an excellent piece written about these embryos! Henry and Rachel have adopted one of these “snowbabies” which I will be carrying for them!
At the end of our Skype meeting, we loved Henry and Rachel, and apparently they loved us! We are now in proceedings to make everything official and to get the ball rolling!
I began birth control this month to suppress ovulation so that the fertility clinic here in Portsmouth can begin manipulating my cycle in preparation for the transfer. Henry and Rachel will send the embryo via medical transport to an embryologist in Massachusetts. The birth control will suppress my own body’s ovulation until I begin Lupron through the fertility clinic, which will suppress ovulation as well as build up my uterine lining. Then, when the embryo is transferred and implanted into my uterus, I will immediately begin injections of progesterone, which will signal to my body that I am pregnant and to start producing HCG. The placenta will eventually take over the job of progesterone and injections will stop. I will go in every other day for the first few weeks to make sure HCG levels are rising properly. Four weeks later, I will have an ultrasound to see the baby, and by 9-10 weeks I will “graduate” from the fertility clinic and begin normal obstetric care!
Henry and Rachel will fly out to meet us and to be here for the embryo transfer. They will also come, obviously, for the delivery later this year!
So that’s our story to-date! You’ll probably see snippets of our journey in the next year, and I’m sure there are probably other questions that you want to ask. Please do! I love that God has brought us to this place and that we can confidently say we believe in what we are doing. Not everyone in our lives have been happy with this decision, which is unfortunate, but we can’t shake our decision – we are firm in our convictions.
Below are a few questions you may have, along with a few answers.
Emotionally speaking, how will you be able to “give up” the baby?
The top concern people have voiced is for my own emotional health. How will I be able to give up the baby at the end?
Strangely, this hasn’t been a major concern for me, mostly because from the beginning I have considered this surrogacy to be like a foster parent situation. I will be this baby’s foster mom for nine months, in a manner of speaking. There are definitely differences, but with that mindset, I can safeguard against unhealthy emotional attachment all the while nurturing this sweet life into the world.
In this unique adoption surrogacy, too, it helps to know that I am playing a [very active] part in offering the chance at life to a teeny tiny baby that may otherwise be not given that chance. It’ll be a bittersweet thing to say goodbye to the sweet babe, for sure. But mostly sweet!
If I do find that I am having a hard time post-partum, the agency has an incredible support team for me. In fact, it is mandatory during the pregnancy and for some time post-partum that I check in weekly via Skype to the support group meetings.
How is Dan going to do emotionally?
We have talked in length about this. He is under no obligation to become emotionally attached to this baby. He is a player in this journey too, but his role is supporting me. We have asked friends and family to help us keep our marriage strong throughout this, making sure to ask us hard questions and keep us accountable and emotionally sound.
Dan is 120% supportive. While he wouldn’t personally choose to be a surrogate (in the same way that I would never choose to climb Mount Everest like he would like to), he is absolutely supportive of me (as I will be of him on his crazy adventures!).
What about kids? How do you explain?
We know that for elementary-aged kids and middle-schoolers, this could be confusing. She’s pregnant but it’s not her baby or Dan’s? Why is she giving away her baby?
There are so many amazing resources out there that I can point you to if your kids have questions! We want to be sensitive to your kids, so please let us know if we can do anything to help! Will will be young enough at this point to not really be aware of what’s going on, but we are confident that we would have healthy and easily-grasped explanations for him if he were aware. We are also prepared for later in his life when he does have questions regarding this pregnancy. And we hope that he learns rich life lessons and spiritual lessons from it.
Contact after the baby is born?
We are open to receiving updates and being involved in the child’s life as much as the parents would like us to be! Think of it as an open adoption, in a way. Henry and Rachel have said that they will send us updates throughout the baby’s years, so that will be rewarding to see pictures over the years! As with any adoption, the child will probably have questions and may be troubled by his/her history when they get to a certain age. We are very thankful that Henry and Rachel are believers and can walk through the tough questions with him/her and point their child to Jesus.
Legal details
At around week 14-16, legal papers will be drawn up detailing the parental rights (establishing Henry & Rachel as their parents, similar to an upon-birth adoption). I’m still learning about this piece myself, but I am confident in the agency and the attorneys we will have representing all of us!
Restrictions?
I have to take it easy during the first and third trimester, and distant travel is restricted at certain times. Certain vigorous activities are prohibited (no hiking – booooo), but these are sacrifices that are worth it to us! If there are any pregnancy complications, things will buckle down a bit more.
I will most likely be delivering at Wentworth, will be able to have a doula, and will have the liberty to detail what my birth plan will be. Henry & Rachel are so great – they just want me to be comfortable and haven’t specified anything crazy!
We look forward to keeping you all up to date! God is good to let us be part of this family’s journey! We love you all.
This may come as big [read: surprising] news to some of you, so I wanted to give some history and explain what has transpired in the last several months that has brought us to this point!
There is a condensed version I could share with you, but we want to share with you the whole [really cool] picture. My [our] desire with this making this decision is two-fold: we hope to help a family pursue a nearly-lost hope, and we hope that God is going be glorified through this entire process! We want the world that we have daily contact with to hear this story and to see God in it and to say, “God, you are a good Father.” In that light, I’m going to give you the unabridged story so that you can intimately walk this journey with us and see Him in it!
Your first thoughts are probably along the lines of, So where did this come from? What brought you to this place? Why do you want to do this? And those are perfect starting questions!
If we know each other even a little bit, you can probably make some accurate guesses at what my life’s passions are: my Savior, meaningful relationships, and my home & family.
>My greatest and most fulfilling purpose is found in Jesus: he loves me unmeasurably, he gives me daily hope, he makes my world make sense & gives me unexplainable peace, and as a result I live daily to share about the source of those rich gifts with the people I encounter.
>I count myself extremely rich to be able to claim more than a few relationships that have been built through good conversation, learning & growing together, and sharing memorable experiences. I am nourished by them, I am sharpened by them, and I delight in pouring myself into them. Friends and mentors from all over the country and from very different parts of my life contribute to that list of relationships, as do my siblings and my family members and [most of all] my husband.
>I was asked in the tenth grade what I wanted to study in college and what I wanted to do as an adult. At that point, I hadn’t figured out a specific direction for myself post-graduation, and it troubled me that I didn’t want a career in a career-driven world when that seemed to be the obvious direction all my peers were headed. My guidance counselors at school seemed to give me a five-item list of careers. Doctor? Teacher? Businesswoman? Secretary? Marine Corps? I vividly remember a spring morning between Sunday school and church service, when I pulled aside my pastor’s wife, who I had desperately [thankfully] latched onto as my mentor throughout high school. Frustrated, I half-yelled, “Is it okay to just want to be a wife and a mom?!” I can’t recall what her full response was, except that she had said, “Well, somebody had to be Billy Graham’s mom.” In that ah-ha moment, I became assured that being a wife and a mom was exactly what I wanted to do, that I could find deep fulfillment and not shame for “just” being a wife and mom, and that God is glorified in whatever we decide to commit to him, career or no career.
Fast forward from that ah-ha moment through the next sixteen years. I grew up as a pastor’s kid with a deeply-rooted understanding of God as my heavenly Father. My dad started the Right To Life chapter in our hometown. My passion grew for the defense of the defenseless unborn child, as did my desire to work at a Crisis Pregnancy Center that gave moms guidance, advice, and alternative options to abortion. I became a World Vision sponsor for a war-torn child. I ended up going to school to study Psychology and Counseling, and I continued on to complete a Master’s in Human Services: Health and Wellness. I visited orphanages in the Dominican Republic and Mexico. I met Dan and married, becoming a wife and loving every aspect of marriage and tending the home and exploring together. Three years later, we miscarried a baby and knew the intense pain of losing a child – and grieving deeply over that teeny tiny child. Multiple friends and family members in our life also lost babies. We journeyed together through several months of emotional struggle as we tried to get pregnant again. Nearly a year after losing our first baby, we finally became pregnant again and experienced the joy of meeting our son nine months later. During his first few months, as I held him safe and sleeping in my arms, I watched on the news as victimized refugee children were pulled from the sea, and I watched heart-wrenching footage of the terrified children of Aleppo. Dan and I began to talk about future adoption plans for older children in the system, the young adults who age out of the system and enter the world on their own with no family and no intimate support. I am part of a big family of 4 other biological siblings, and have watched my parents become grandparents to 6 grandchildren while also becoming new parents all over again to a trio of young siblings through in-state adoption. I have been hesitant about their decision while also overpoweringly inspired by their choice to give love and give energy and give hope to my three new baggage-laden world-wounded siblings.
And now pause the tape, press play. Almost exactly a year after William entered our world, Dan is in the third year of his intense PhD program, and I am fully enjoying working [very] part-time from home and raising Will. We began to plan the next couple years: two more years of this PhD and then a two-year post-doc? study and work in Austria or Switzerland for a semester? go to Los Alamos again for a short stint? With all of these plans up in the air, and with a second baby being unlikely for at least two more years until Dan is nearer to the completion of his PhD, I looked at this gap and started thinking about what I was going to be doing during that time.
Surrogacy must have been a God-placed thought. I mean, I had always heard of surrogacy and marveled at what an incredible part a surrogate gets to play in a family’s life. But I never thought that I would have a chance for it to be a reality in my own life. Because… well, when? I had a tidy little timeline of my own that didn’t accounted for anything else: a happy rowdy house full of children, at least three boys who looked like their dad and two girls who adored him, and all of them two years apart max. [Ha.]
In September last year during a visit to North Carolina for a friend’s wedding and to visit with my family, I sat on a couch strewn with baby socks and toys while Will crawled on the floor trying to keep up with the happy ruckus his cousins were causing. My oldest sister and my two sisters-in-law were sitting adjacent, all of us holding either a coffee cup, a kid’s sippee cup, or a nursing babe. The Levinsons talk fast and loud, and we were gabbing it up to make up for time lost from living a thousand miles apart. I was in my happy place. [Relationships and family, remember?!] It must have been then, in the briefly discussed topic of surrogacy [before it got interrupted by screaming kids], that a little thought wiggled into my head.
It didn’t resurface again until I was home again in New Hampshire. And when it resurfaced and I began mulling it over, I realized that the timing of our next few years would be the perfect time to be a surrogate mother for another family!
So…
Hey, Google.
I began to search for agencies. How in the world would I find one that I could trust? Surrogacy can be so sketchy, and people get themselves into really awful situations. So many legal battles have been fought because of surrogacies gone bad.
After a lot of research and digging around, I honed in on an agency that seemed promising. At this point, this pipe dream was still just a whim. I’ll just apply for the preliminary screening… I like filling out questionnaires anyway… This is just for fun…
Two days later, I had a brief phone interview with a case coordinator where we reviewed the information I had submitted. Huh. This could be feasible. This could be real. Hey Dan, what do you think of this…
The three of us traveled to Virginia in October for a whirlwind, two-day, loud n’ crazy, nineteen-person Levinson family vacation. In our rental car’s passenger seat, I turn to Dan and stare at him for a good long while, trying to formulate a coherent non-whacko sounding sentence. Dan is growing visibly uncomfortable and giving me a raised eyebrow. Whaaatcha thinkin?
I give up and blurt out, “Can I do this? Can I be a surrogate mother? I’m not going to pursue this any further without your full 120% support.”
“I don’t know, Em.” He frowns, thinking. And then, “We’d be giving up a lot. Nine months. Our summer. The strain on your body of another pregnancy that’s not even for your own kid… Why do it?”
I paused. “Remember back to when we lost Ava. And how the months following that loss – trying to get pregnant again – were so hard emotionally, hopes dashed month after month. And remember back to when you held a warm, screaming, pink, very-much-alive baby. Your son. We would be giving that same amazing gift to a family, enabling what they have hoped for for so long.”
Understanding spreads across Dan’s face. Ahhhhh. “I didn’t think about it that way.” He hmmmms, and I say, Think about it for a while. I assume that he’ll forget and that I’ll have to bring it up again in a week.
The next day, Dan finds me upstairs and abruptly says. “Let’s do this.”
I’m in the middle of dressing Will. “Do what?”
Confidently, “I’ve been thinking. Let’s pursue this surrogacy thing. If it’s something you want to do, I am totally on board with blessing a family like this.”
I turn around quickly. “Woa, really? Really. That was quick. You sure?” He smiles sideways and nods.
When we returned home a few days later, I filled out the extensive application and sent it to the director, who then scheduled a second in-depth interview with both me and Dan. While we waited for the interview’s date to come around, I began looking at every aspect I could think to read about concerning surrogacy. There are definitely horror stories, mainly from people who unwisely didn’t use an agency and legal representation. I discovered that there are valid concerns for both the intended parents and the surrogate mother to safeguard against during the process. We were concerned about what the Bible and medical ethics had to say about it. We found that the Bible does not have a direct answer, but that it comes down to wisdom and our understanding of God’s own heart. Interestingly, the medical ethics for something of this nature are not as written about as other topics because it is so recent a scientific capability, so there are only a handful of theological scholars who have delved into the topic. We discovered that surrogacy is actually a pretty charged subject for some of the Christian community; but Dan also noted that people seem to know very little about surrogacy yet somehow have an immediate opinion on it.
So all the while we were walking in the direction of surrogate motherhood, we were also digging and learning and gleaning as much as we could from as many sources as we could. We wanted people to speak truth into our lives, to ask questions that maybe we hadn’t considered, and to give us a reality check if we needed it. We didn’t want to do this blindly or with the wrong motives or walk into something harmful and regretful. In addition to sharing with our families and asking for their wisdom and support, we also reached out to close friends and to our church leadership.
We came to a point where we had clear consciences and a very positive feeling about continuing. But when we were confronted with an aspect that we couldn’t ignore, everything seemed to tunnel-neck pretty extremely. For a few minutes, I became pretty disappointed because I knew the reality of being matched with someone was now going to be pretty small.
But as I thought about it, I realized that any outcome would be fine. I was pursuing this while wholly trusting God to orchestrate it. If we found a couple who would match with us, then great! And if not – hey, that’s great too! Either way, we’d be confident that what we are doing was in line with his direction, with his opening or closing of doors! Keep a quiet heart.
To our amazement, it was only a couple days later that a door was opened for us to confidently continue with surrogacy. The agency director called to let us know that there was a couple she had in mind for us, and we were so excited to hear more about them and realize that they would be perfect! [There is so much more to that piece of the story, and I would love to fill you in on those later!]
Just before Christmas, we met the couple via Skype along with the director to get to know them and heard more of their story. This first meeting was to feel each other out. Because of the special type of relationship that a surrogacy can create, it’s important for both parties to feel very comfortable with each other. A lot of Surrogate/Intended Parent relationships end in life-long friendships when they are in good situations and not the horror-story type, although that’s completely determined by the preferences that both parties state from the beginning to establish healthy expectations and boundaries. At the very least, both of us wanted to be comfortable with each other and have a good relationship during the pregnancy and delivery.
Henry and Rachel (not their real names) are incredibly sweet people, and they are also believers! It makes it especially sweet to us to be helping people who are family in Christ! I think we are all seeing our spiritual adoption through Christ in a very new way. Rachel is a physician and Henry owns his own business. They married 4 years ago at 44 and 48 years old. They began trying to have children through IVF, but lost their three babies early on. They then adopted an embryo from an embryo adoption agency, and she carried the baby for five months before losing their sweet baby boy. She was very ill afterwards and was told that for the sake of her life, she should not try pregnancy again. That’s when they decided to look for a surrogate to carry another embryo that they had adopted. The adoption of frozen embryos is another piece of this journey that I am incredibly honored to be a part of!
Without getting too detailed, here is some scientific nitty-gritty to explain how a typical surrogacy works!
A surrogate mother can be one of two types: traditional or gestational.
Traditional surrogacy (not what I’m doing) is when the surrogate mother is both the egg donor and the surrogate to the baby through IUI (intrauterine insemination).
Gestational surrogacy (what I’m doing) is when the surrogate mother has a pre-conceived embryo (father’s sperm and mother’s egg, resulting two-week old gestated embryo) transferred and implanted to her uterus.
Most couples who are at the point of looking for a surrogate have unsuccessfully tried for years to get pregnant, have miscarried multiple babies, and/or have done years of failed IVF (invitro fertilization) with embryos they have created with the help of an embryologist at a fertility clinic. When they come to a surrogate, they are pretty heartbroken and hoping that this final option will help them have the biological family they have long hoped for.
When a couple pursues IVF as an option, they generally create multiple embryos so that successive pregnancy attempts can be made if they miscarry the first, or second, or third, etc. And when they come to a surrogate, they will usually be transferring one of those IVF-intended embryos or creating several more for just-in-case scenarios if the surrogate happens to miscarry.
For a lot of couples, they will try to find a surrogate who is willing to carry twins or sometimes even triplets, because this is their one chance to build a family. Some couples, too, will do genetic testing on the embryos and get rid of the ones that have tested to have chromosomal abnormalities and/or low likelihood of survival in the womb. The couple also has the option, if the surrogate is also in agreement, of selective reduction or complete termination during the pregnancy. An example of selective reduction would be if one baby is putting its twin at risk. They would eliminate (reduce) the number of babies to give the other baby a higher chance of living. Termination refers to the termination of the baby’s life "if it showed to have a disability or abnormality, if it is putting the surrogate’s life at risk, etc.
Dan and I are pro-life, regardless of the situation and of the quality of the life that testing would reveal the baby to have. We stated as much in our application, and the great thing about our agency is that they will only match surrogates with a couple who has the exact same preferences. We stated that I would be willing to carry only a singleton, but that if the embryo split into twins that I would happily carry both babies, as selective reduction/termination was not an option.
Because of the scientific advances that have been made recently, embryos can be tested for viability likelihood and will be chosen for implantation over the others. IVF resulting in pregnancy on the first embryo transfer attempt has become more successful over the years as a result. But the creation of multiple embryos is still common practice, and it results in the overproduction of embryos. I believe that life starts at the creation of unique DNA, sperm and egg. I know that many people will disagree, but that is my own firm conviction. The excess embryos usually have less-than-ideal futures: they are frozen and saved for possible later attempts at IVF or surrogacy, they are destroyed, they are given over to science for research, or they are frozen and given to agencies to be adopted out, although the number of embryo adoptions is far outnumbered by the millions of frozen embryos, most of which will remain frozen in time forever. World Magazine has an excellent piece written about these embryos! Henry and Rachel have adopted one of these “snowbabies” which I will be carrying for them!
At the end of our Skype meeting, we loved Henry and Rachel, and apparently they loved us! We are now in proceedings to make everything official and to get the ball rolling!
I began birth control this month to suppress ovulation so that the fertility clinic here in Portsmouth can begin manipulating my cycle in preparation for the transfer. Henry and Rachel will send the embryo via medical transport to an embryologist in Massachusetts. The birth control will suppress my own body’s ovulation until I begin Lupron through the fertility clinic, which will suppress ovulation as well as build up my uterine lining. Then, when the embryo is transferred and implanted into my uterus, I will immediately begin injections of progesterone, which will signal to my body that I am pregnant and to start producing HCG. The placenta will eventually take over the job of progesterone and injections will stop. I will go in every other day for the first few weeks to make sure HCG levels are rising properly. Four weeks later, I will have an ultrasound to see the baby, and by 9-10 weeks I will “graduate” from the fertility clinic and begin normal obstetric care!
Henry and Rachel will fly out to meet us and to be here for the embryo transfer. They will also come, obviously, for the delivery later this year!
So that’s our story to-date! You’ll probably see snippets of our journey in the next year, and I’m sure there are probably other questions that you want to ask. Please do! I love that God has brought us to this place and that we can confidently say we believe in what we are doing. Not everyone in our lives have been happy with this decision, which is unfortunate, but we can’t shake our decision – we are firm in our convictions.
Below are a few questions you may have, along with a few answers.
Emotionally speaking, how will you be able to “give up” the baby?
The top concern people have voiced is for my own emotional health. How will I be able to give up the baby at the end?
Strangely, this hasn’t been a major concern for me, mostly because from the beginning I have considered this surrogacy to be like a foster parent situation. I will be this baby’s foster mom for nine months, in a manner of speaking. There are definitely differences, but with that mindset, I can safeguard against unhealthy emotional attachment all the while nurturing this sweet life into the world.
In this unique adoption surrogacy, too, it helps to know that I am playing a [very active] part in offering the chance at life to a teeny tiny baby that may otherwise be not given that chance. It’ll be a bittersweet thing to say goodbye to the sweet babe, for sure. But mostly sweet!
If I do find that I am having a hard time post-partum, the agency has an incredible support team for me. In fact, it is mandatory during the pregnancy and for some time post-partum that I check in weekly via Skype to the support group meetings.
How is Dan going to do emotionally?
We have talked in length about this. He is under no obligation to become emotionally attached to this baby. He is a player in this journey too, but his role is supporting me. We have asked friends and family to help us keep our marriage strong throughout this, making sure to ask us hard questions and keep us accountable and emotionally sound.
Dan is 120% supportive. While he wouldn’t personally choose to be a surrogate (in the same way that I would never choose to climb Mount Everest like he would like to), he is absolutely supportive of me (as I will be of him on his crazy adventures!).
What about kids? How do you explain?
We know that for elementary-aged kids and middle-schoolers, this could be confusing. She’s pregnant but it’s not her baby or Dan’s? Why is she giving away her baby?
There are so many amazing resources out there that I can point you to if your kids have questions! We want to be sensitive to your kids, so please let us know if we can do anything to help! Will will be young enough at this point to not really be aware of what’s going on, but we are confident that we would have healthy and easily-grasped explanations for him if he were aware. We are also prepared for later in his life when he does have questions regarding this pregnancy. And we hope that he learns rich life lessons and spiritual lessons from it.
Contact after the baby is born?
We are open to receiving updates and being involved in the child’s life as much as the parents would like us to be! Think of it as an open adoption, in a way. Henry and Rachel have said that they will send us updates throughout the baby’s years, so that will be rewarding to see pictures over the years! As with any adoption, the child will probably have questions and may be troubled by his/her history when they get to a certain age. We are very thankful that Henry and Rachel are believers and can walk through the tough questions with him/her and point their child to Jesus.
Legal details
At around week 14-16, legal papers will be drawn up detailing the parental rights (establishing Henry & Rachel as their parents, similar to an upon-birth adoption). I’m still learning about this piece myself, but I am confident in the agency and the attorneys we will have representing all of us!
Restrictions?
I have to take it easy during the first and third trimester, and distant travel is restricted at certain times. Certain vigorous activities are prohibited (no hiking – booooo), but these are sacrifices that are worth it to us! If there are any pregnancy complications, things will buckle down a bit more.
I will most likely be delivering at Wentworth, will be able to have a doula, and will have the liberty to detail what my birth plan will be. Henry & Rachel are so great – they just want me to be comfortable and haven’t specified anything crazy!
We look forward to keeping you all up to date! God is good to let us be part of this family’s journey! We love you all.